January 10th, 2024

I yearn for everyone I have ever loved. I can think of all of the dearest people that I have ever truly loved in my lifetime. This is not including family, and is only limited to those that aren’t really here anymore. The people I have let see me.

J, R, E, V, S, D and now I.

I’ve failed almost all of these people, hell, probably all of them. It is never personal and it is usually at my lowest point. My breaking point. Some of these people have failed me, but I don’t hold it against them.

I am everyone I have ever loved.

It is so easy to pour myself into the people I love most. To ignore the turmoil in my mind by seeing those I love most every single day; worrying about what they are going to eat for dinner, or whether or not they are happy. It helps me take care of myself. Well, usually. I cook for you, I get to eat too. I clean for you, I get to be in a clean space. I worry about you… I don’t have to worry about me… That sort of thing.

But then they meet new people and I’m forgotten about, or not considered. Sometimes I get really bad and I have to go away. I’m so sorry to those I’ve left. I never want to. But, I love you, and I respect you. I can’t use you to hide what I’m going through. It’s just not fair. As I would say, it’s not “honorable.”

The cycle has to end. I see that now. My love is running too deep for those I meet, but I keep none for myself. I can’t receive their love… How is that fair? You take my love, but oh my God, I will never allow myself to take yours.

It is hard for me to trust that people love me when they are far away. My brain tricks me into thinking I’m unwanted, unloveable, a nuisance. I’ve never been told these things, so why do I believe them?

I think back to little Izabel.

I’m not sure she has ever loved herself. Maybe when she was this little. What I do know is that she was so desperate to be loved by others, to be chosen by others. She’s never chosen herself. She’s struggled with anxiety her whole life. Nobody ever really knowing how to help her because her stomach hurts, but the doctor said that there’s nothing wrong. Is she a faker?

Now I’m on Prozac and I’m struggling with depression because I keep perpetuating the same behavior that makes me feel this way. Never stopping to be with myself, to care for myself. I fall in love ^ I’m happy > I hit a wall _ .

This does not mean that what I have felt and still feel for these people isn’t real. It just means that I’m… Well, I just hate myself to be honest with you. But, I don’t want to and that’s why I have had to walk away from people and that’s why some people have had to walk away from me.

This past year has honestly been the worst year of my life. I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m lonely. I miss my best friend and I had to say goodbye to someone I really fucking love. My grandpa died. I still hate myself.

Needless to say, I am everyone I have ever loved. I probably still remember your favorite color or that food you hate. I still love that album you showed me (Can you believe that you turned me into an album listener..?), and I still love our spot at the Botanical Gardens. I recommend your tattoo artist to people I know, and I see your mom at my work quite often (Yes, we talk…). My room reminds me of our sleepovers when it’s arranged a certain way, and I still look at your house down the hill. I will always keep the gifts you gave me, and apples will always remind me of you.

I grieve every day. For all of you. For all of me. The snow is heavy tonight and I wish I could have held on a bit longer. I wonder if we would have went sledding.